


oh shit whats this about is dave down a well did karkat get into the dr pepper again its 3 in the goddamn morning whatever it is it must be a huge ass emergency lemme grab my extra serious katana

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Earth C (Homestuck), M/M, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:54:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25530907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave texts Dirk late at night.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 38
Kudos: 188





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [Made with homestuck5.com](http://www.homestuck5.com/)

turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT]  


TG: hey you up  
TG: oh my god wait  
TG: pretend i didnt just literally start this conversation with the canonical booty call text jfc  
TG: im so sorry dude  
TG: im stuck in my ways for the past three years ive pretty much just been textin my boyfriend and my sister  
TG: i know that sounds weird as hell but rose has her methods she can make you say some regrettable shit  
TG: actually you should be honored this just means youre officially family now  
TG: congratulations youre in you made it  
TG: hey change of subject remember that time kelly rowland tried to text nelly with an excel spreadsheet and she got pissed he didnt write back  
TG: please tell me that happened in your universe  
TG: it happened on karkats planet please say you had it too  
TG: i need that to be a universal constant i need that to be a thing thats true  
TG: guess that if it did happen it was actually on this very planet  
TG: shit maybe theres fossil evidence  
TG: maybe if we smash open the right geode well find that old as shit flip phone with HOLLA WHEN YOU GET THIS forever shamefully etched in row 1 columns a thru e on a stone spreadsheet  
TT: Yeah, that happened in my timeline, too.  
TG: oh  
TT: Shit was glorious.  
TG: hey  
TT: I’m up, by the way.  
TT: In case that wasn’t evident.  
TT: I’m not dream-reminiscing with you about the 2002 chart-topper “Dilemma” or anything.  
TG: too bad that sounds pretty sweet  
TT: Unfortunately the technology’s just not there yet.  
TG: i donno jade had a dream robot i used to talk to it all the time we could prolly rig something up  
TT: Really?  
TG: yeah her grandpa made it  
TT: ... _Really_?  
TG: yeah i donno maybe jakes got robotic prowess in his future maybe hes gonna grow into it  
TG: oh fuck  
TG: sorry  
TT: No, it’s fine.  
TT: Talking about him isn't off-limits or anything.  
TG: yeah i know just  
TG: fuck  
TG: ug i woke you up didnt i  
TG: yeah i definitely did you just got like 50 fuckin pings  
TG: oh shit whats this about is dave down a well did karkat get into the dr pepper again  
TG: its 3 in the goddamn morning whatever it is it must be a huge ass emergency lemme grab my extra serious katana  
TG: oh no snap its just dave talkin about my ex and also apparently kelly rowland perfect just what i needed  
TT: It’s fine, I was already up.  
TT: You’re cool.  
TG: ok but see the thing is thats exactly what somebody who wasnt already up would say  
TT: Hm.  
TG: you see that thing  
TT: Yeah, I see that thing.  
TT: See it loud and clear.  
TT: I wouldn’t do that, though.  
TG: what lie about being awake  
TT: Yeah.  
TT: I mean, I’d still probably get up and talk to you.  
TT: I’d just tell you that you woke me up first.  
TG: savage  
TT: Wouldn’t you prefer the honesty?  
TG: yeah i guess maybe i would  
TG: hmm  
TT: What?  
TG: nothin im just thinkin  
TG: maybe this is the ultimate hell no dave you didnt wake me up  
TT: I’m doubling down, you mean?  
TG: yeah youre just goin full tilt insisting you WOULD tell me to such an extent that i think its like this whole character trait  
TG: now i just gotta live forever in this intricate web of lies  
TT: Damn.  
TT: Wheels within wheels.  
TG: is that what youre doin  
TT: Spinning an intricate web of wheels and lies?  
TT: No.  
TG: you sure  
TT: Very sure.  
TT: I’ve been awake all night.  
TT: I don’t really sleep.  
TG: oh  
TG: for real  
TT: Yeah.  
TT: Just never really made a habit of it.  
TG: huh  
TT: So what’s up?  
TG: what do you mean  
TT: What did you want to talk about?  
TG: i dont care what do you wanna talk about  
TT: ...What?  
TG: what  
TT: Dave, you’re messaging me at 3 in the morning.  
TG: yeah so  
TT: So I assume it’s at least somewhat serious.  
TT: Maybe you’re not stuck in a well or anything, but...  
TG: haha naw dont worry im on dry land  
TG: besides i can fly pretty sure wells got nothin on me now  
TG: unless somebody puts something on top of it like in the ring  
TG: ohhhhhhhhh shit  
TT: What?  
TG: nothin i just  
TG: ahaha kinda spooked myself a little bit there thinking about the ring that movie scared the bejesus out of me  
TT: Oh really?  
TG: yeah man have you seen it  
TT: _The Ring?_  
TT: Yeah, I’ve seen it.  
TG: yeah so you know what im talkin about you know whats up  
TG: oook lets get some lights on up in here  
TG: shit whyd we get a tv what were we thinking troll bachelorette isnt worth this kind of stress not when i dont feel safe in my own damn home  
TT: Dave?  
TG: whats up  
TT: ...  
TT: Dave, is this about me?  
TG: what  
TT: Fuck.  
TT: That was probably too on the nose, wasn’t it?  
TG: what the fuck are you talkin about on the nose  
TT: Look, it’s not difficult to put the pieces together, here.  
TT: You messaged me out of nowhere in the middle of the night.  
TT: And now you’re telling me you don’t feel safe in your own home.  
TG: oh  
TT: This is about me.  
TT: Or my alternate self.  
TG: no  
TT: Or no, you know what?  
TT: Fuck that.  
TT: It’s about me.  
TT: Obviously it is.  
TG: dude no  
TT: You don’t have to speak in code or anything.  
TG: code?  
TT: Yeah, come on. Just tell me whatever’s bothering you. I can take it.  
TT: And I’ll fix it.  
TT: I mean, I’m not saying this is an easy fix or anything.  
TT: Fuck.  
TG: dude im fine  
TT: Dave...  
TG: ok whatever maybe im not fine fine  
TG: like  
TG: not on a global scale or whatever  
TG: i still got some shit got a whole big frame pack i carry around with me all appalachian trail style gonna thru hike this motherfucker  
TG: but  
TG: right now like in this particular moment im fine  
TG: im actually legitimately just freakin myself out a little bit over here thinkin bout that fucking girl from the ring coming outta my god damn flat screen but i think thats pretty normal everybody gets like that thats like the great unifier  
TT: Okay, let’s say that’s true.  
TT: Why did you message me?  
TG: because im worried about you  
TT: ...  
TG: ahaha oh my god  
TG: ok i know this is extra stupid given its the two of us talking and all  
TG: and also were making a real positive and progressive point that weve moved past this as a society which is a hundred percent for the best thats great i love it  
TG: but  
TG: can we please just take a minute to appreciate for old times sake  
TG: how fuckin gay that thing i just said was  
TT: Heh.  
TT: Yeah, sure.  
TG: nice  
TT: You want to observe a moment of silence?  
TG: hell yeah  
TT: Okay.  
TG: nice  
TT: ...  
TG: ...  
TT: ...  
TG: ...  
TT: ...  
TG: ...  
TT: So anyway...  
TG: ugggg  
TT: You’re worried about me?  
TG: mannn  
TG: i didnt mean to say that  
TT: Clearly.  
TG: god dammit could we pretend i was actually all slick about talking in code like you i guess assumed i was  
TG: and i was all subtly droppin hints left and right like a suave as hell gretel all throwin breadcrumbs confetti style around the forest  
TG: cuz she noticed hansel is goin through some shit  
TG: and also apparently she just confirmed tonight he doesnt ever fucking sleep which is pretty concerning thats a few handfuls of breadcrumbs on its own right there  
TT: ...  
TG: youre hansel  
TT: Yeah, I got it.  
TG: just makin sure  
TG: since i guess im not all that good at subtlety in the middle of the night  
TG: or like  
TG: ever  
TT: Ha.  
TG: dirk dude do you seriously never sleep  
TT: I don’t _never_ sleep.  
TG: yeah but like you dont sleep at night  
TT: Neither do you apparently.  
TG: wow  
TT: Shit.  
TT: Fuck.  
TT: I’m really sorry.  
TT: I shouldn't have lashed out like that.  
TT: I’m just...  
TG: tired?  
TT: I was going to say an asshole.  
TG: dude  
TT: It’s true.  
TG: cmon man no its not  
TG: look literally i woke up to take a piss and grab a snack  
TG: i was flippin through my phone i saw you were online and wanted to see if anything was up  
TG: thats it thats my whole entire night  
TG: thats the chez davekat newsticker its just that on repeat til morning when karkat inevitably throws a fit cuz i ate the last bag of doritos which is what im doin right now dont tell him  
TT: Heh.  
TG: so cmon what are you up to over there whats so much cooler than sleep  
TT: I’m dismantling a toaster.  
TG: ok youre right that sounds way better i take it all back  
TT: It’s more entertaining than you’d think.  
TG: hope so  
TT: To be clear, I don’t actually think this is cooler than sleep.  
TT: It's just... more doable.  
TG: so you CANT sleep  
TT: That’s pretty much it, yeah.  
TG: is it cuz the dream bubbles are gone  
TG: i know im so not used to that yet  
TG: like what the fuck i dont get to rap with ghosts or confront my own mortality anymore  
TG: i gotta have normal dreams now like a total chump where i cant tie my shoes no matter how hard i try and also roxy all of a sudden has karkats horns  
TG: not sure if its a downgrade or an upgrade dreamwise but it sure is weird as hell  
TT: Is that really what you dream about?  
TG: no comment  
TT: Ha.  
TT: Anyway, in answer to your question, I think it’s partially because of the dream bubbles.  
TT: But not entirely.  
TT: In all honesty, I haven’t technically “slept” in years.  
TG: because of your dream self  
TT: At first, yeah.  
TT: I was aware of my dream self very early. Years before the game.  
TT: And we were both awake all the time.  
TG: wait what  
TT: Yeah, I was in constant control of both consciousnesses.  
TG: what the hell how did that even work  
TT: I got very good at it.  
TT: It basically became second nature.  
TT: And besides, a lot of the time I would pretend to be asleep.  
TT: That way I at least didn't have to control two bodies.  
TT: I could just run my brain at twice the normal processing power.  
TG: did that really work  
TT: Yeah, of course it did.  
TG: huh  
TT: Gave me a chance to get shit done.  
TG: damn  
TG: you did that for years  
TT: Yeah.  
TT: Of course when we entered the game, I went down to one body.  
TT: But then the dream bubbles took over, so even though I only had one consciousness, I could at least keep it going 24/7.  
TT: But now _those_ are gone, too.  
TG: so youre what  
TG: like  
TG: trying to keep up that processing power cuz your natural thinking time got cut in half again  
TT: “Trying” might be the wrong word.  
TG: you just cant not  
TT: That’s right. I just can’t not.  
TG: shit dirk  
TT: Eh, it’s fine.  
TG: i donno dude  
TG: i think you gotta sleep  
TT: Dave, I just got done saying I haven’t slept in years.  
TT: I think I’ve more or less proven that you don’t gotta.  
TG: yeah man but youre like  
TG: in half the bodies you were before  
TG: and half the brains  
TG: you cant just keep runnin your thoughts at that same rate  
TG: shits gonna overclock  
TT: Oh my god.  
TT: Dave.  
TT: Are you trying to get through to me by speaking in computer terms?  
TG: hell yeah i am im learnin your language this is my psa  
TG: im wearin a backwards baseball cap talkin straight into the camera  
TG: kids do you think its “cool” to stay up all hours i dont  
TG: in fact i think its pretty “whack” and so do my friends here international musical superstars smash mouth you guys are still relevant right  
TT: If you can get Smash Mouth on board, dude, I’ll consider listening.  
TG: yeah well listen up cuz that bizarro guy fieri lookin motherfuckers here  
TG: and guess what  
TG: the big man wants to take time out  
TT: He wants to level with me about something?  
TG: yep thats it thats exactly right theres somethin he wants you to keep it real about  
TT: Oh shit.  
TG: ok now you gotta picture us sittin backwards in chairs  
TG: theres me and mr mouth himself in his fuckin oversize tommy bahama bowling shirt were sittin side by side serious as all shit bout to lay down some harsh truths  
TG: and then those other douchebags who were probably also in the band i donno how many of them were there lets say theres fifty who really gives a fuck  
TG: theyre all also in backwards chairs all flankin us its just a big line of insufferable turn of the millennium bullshit rock far as the eye can see  
TT: And they’re all here to talk to me about the dangers of unchecked insomnia.  
TG: yep thats right  
TT: Look, Dave, I really appreciate what you’re doing here.  
TG: good cuz it took forever to get these guys together their schedules surprisingly packed theyre actually doin really well for themselves  
TG: theyre huge in the ironic bar mitzvah musical act scene  
TG: gotta suck up your pride a lil bit and also learn the hora but it pays great  
TT: Good. I’m happy for them.  
TG: naw im just kidding theyre all dead  
TT: Wow.  
TG: but thats the future i like to imagine they woulda had  
TT: That’s beautiful.  
TT: But setting your Smash Mouth fanfiction aside for a minute...  
TG: ngl thats a lot to ask of me  
TT: Okay.  
TT: Setting that aside but promising to return to it one day and really explore all the nuances of the Smashmouthverse,  
TG: nice  
TT: This really isn’t a big deal.  
TT: I’ll get to sleep eventually.  
TT: It stands to reason that sooner or later my body will just shut down, and I’ll have to start sleeping against my will.  
TG: holy shit dude  
TT: What?  
TG: what  
TG: that is like the single least reassuring thing you could possibly say to me thats what  
TT: Oh.  
TG: damn its like you got together a panel of all demographics and carefully came up with the most concerning possible thing to tell me and make me not back off  
TT: That really wasn't my intention.  
TG: i mean jesus dude  
TT: Sorry.  
TT: Look.  
TT: That was an exaggeration.  
TT: Obviously I’ll work this out.  
TT: I just need a little time.  
TT: This is something I have to do on my own.  
TG: ok but like  
TG: ...  
TG: what if  
TG: you didnt  
TT: Didn’t what?  
TG: um  
TG: ok  
TG: so heres a totally crazy idea i just thought up right now off the top of my head karkat and i havent been discussing this at length or anything  
TT: ?  
TG: what if you  
TT: ??  
TG: came and lived with us  
TT: You and Karkat?  
TG: yeah  
TT: You don’t want that.  
TG: sure we do  
TT: No, you don’t.  
TG: cmon  
TT: And I mean that in both senses of the phrase.  
TT: As in: I can tell that that isn’t what you actually want, and you're only doing it as a favor to me.  
TT: And also: that’s a thing that would be bad for you.  
TG: no way  
TT: Come on, Dave.  
TG: i am dude im comin so on  
TT: Look.  
TT: Setting aside the whole _enormous_ can of psychological worms we’d be opening by forcing you to cohabitate with someone who looks like me...  
TG: forcing what the fuck im the one asking  
TT: _Setting all that aside..._  
TT: You and Karkat have your own life together.  
TT: You finally have a place of your own.  
TT: You need your space.  
TG: dude no  
TG: what the fuck do you think weve been doin for the past three years  
TG: literally all weve ever done is cozy up all domestic like  
TG: and yeah ok its pretty fuckin sweet to have a whole hive now thats pretty cool we got our own stairs and everything  
TG: but were not  
TG: like  
TG: hella jazzed we finally got some time alone ok thats not it at all  
TG: all we ever had was space  
TG: cuz hey here comes the wordplay you ready for it  
TT: You were in space.  
TG: we were in space  
TG: fuck  
TG: right  
TT: Heh.  
TG: see you got it you know whats up why am i even explaining this shit to you  
TT: Dave...  
TG: what im sayin is even tho karkat and i are pumped to have our own place its not like that exotic or new or anything  
TG: but you know what is all those things  
TG: thats right its havin a brother who i actually like and wanna hang out with and see more of  
TG: thats exotic as shit thats the new hotness  
TT: Are you saying we don’t hang out enough?  
TT: We can hang out more, if that’s the problem.  
TG: oh my god  
TG: why is this such a big deal  
TT: Because you guys have a good thing going, and I’m not going to let you squander that.  
TG: what the fuck we can still have a good thing goin with you around dude  
TG: honestly were 16 and we own a goddamn house  
TG: the most normal possible thing we can do is have an awkward father figure kickin around  
TG: might give us a taste of the regular adolescence we got robbed of  
TG: tho i guess if karkat had a regular adolescence hed be gettin ready to ship off to outer space and conquer some huddled masses right around now  
TG: and thats fuckin out  
TG: so whatever were doin it regular human style thats fine  
TG: when you move in well have a human majority anyway itll be two against one  
TG: ohhh shit first order of business were makin popcorn with regular butter and not just a bunch of fuckin bugs on top  
TT: I actually like the bugs.  
TG: oh my god you would  
TT: Guess I can’t live with you.  
TG: dude  
TT: I don’t need a babysitter, Dave.  
TG: holy shit how bout a roommate then  
TT: ...  
TG: i mean it wouldnt be forever  
TG: obviously  
TG: like im pretty sure were all immortal you cant just go throwin around words like that all over the damn place not now that forevers like a real thing probably  
TG: thats such a classic monkeys paw you gotta steer clear of that give that shit a wide berth  
TT: Wait.  
TG: what  
TT: ...  
TG: ??  
TT: Nothing.  
TG: ugh whatever  
TG: can you at least like think about it  
TT: I guess I have to.  
TT: I have all this thinking time, after all.  
TG: awesome how bout a trial run  
TT: What?  
TG: i mean come over right now lets hang out  
TG: im awake and honestly i dont have it in me to shove karkat back to his side of the bed that dude is a sprawler you cant give an inch  
TT: Dave...  
TG: cmon man you dont have to bring a toothbrush or anything i wont even hassle you about this i promise  
TG: just  
TG: im up youre up that poor innocent toasters not gonna stop bein in a million pieces  
TG: lets play video games  
TG: we made this new one where we crossed sonic with a dvd of thresh prince its surprisingly good  
TT: Really?  
TG: im serious the storyline actually somehow got mad intense theres some real twists and turns plus all the rings are troll will smiths face its incredible  
TT: That does sound pretty great.  
TG: you have no idea man  
TT: Sigh.  
TT: Okay.  
TT: Fuck it.  
TT: Fine.  
TT: But I’m definitely not bringing a toothbrush.  
TG: whatever thats fine  
TG: dont bring that fucking toaster either  
TT: Too late. I already packed it up.  
TG: god dammit  
TT: It’s the one thing I _am_ bringing.  
TG: ug fine just get over here im firin up the sega grubesis  
TT: I can’t believe that’s actually what it’s called.  
TG: yeah well i cant believe youre bringin a broken toaster dude its a hell of a time to be alive  
TT: It sure is.  
TT: I’m on my way.  
TG: sweet  


timaeusTestified [TT] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  



	2. Chapter 2

PSYCHE.  


Sorry everybody, but there's no new chapter this week. I just need a little time to recharge and catch up on things in my “real” life.  


In the meantime, please enjoy this _very_ good portrait I drew for itsrose, and check out their masterwork [Karkat is hidden in the panels.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25522117), which I illustrated.  


See you next week!  
-itsdave  
  



End file.
